The adults who are hesitant to ask information of their parents are afraid of being seen as greedy, in competition with their siblings or even of anticipating their parents’ deaths. This kind of avoidance generates anxiety and worry, often for years as they secretly wonder about the estate issues or dread dealing with their siblings.

It will take some courage and some skill to initiate this conversation but it could easily be that your parents are afraid to bring it up and would appreciate your initiating this conversation. It also helps to begin “softly” and with open ended questions such as “What you would most like to have happen in our family when you are at the end of your life?” ” How can all of us help you with that?” If your parent is in denial and will not discuss the topic, approach this indirectly by telling stories of your friends and their parents.

Parents tend to be blissfully unaware of the possibilities of sibling wars when they make inheritance decisions on their own and keep them private. The best outcome for your whole family may be to tell your adult children about your decisions and let them express their opinions and have some input as well. Emotions that truly should be part of the parent relationship can often be acted out on the siblings after the parents are deceased.

What gets in the way of parents calling a family meeting and reviewing estate concerns? Many do not know that it is important to do and it never occurs to them. Many parents perceive the assets to belong only to them and thus they have complete freedom to do as they wish. This ignores the next generation’s feelings that the assets belong to the whole family. In addition, as parents approach the last stage of their lives, they do not want to risk having a child upset with them or alienated from them and believe that keeping inheritance terms secret will preserve their own relationship with their children.

Best practices in today’s modern family include an open family meeting about the future process that the children will go through, some input from them and an open discussion of why certain choices seem desirable and the contained expression of feelings about this.

Today is mental health blog day for the American Psych Association and I am here today to extend compassion and understanding to all who are loving and caring for someone who has mental illness. There is still stigma involved in acknowledging that someone you are related to has symptoms of mental illness. Many adults who have family with mental problems feel as if it brings shame onto them because their family member has an illness. Feeling healthy inside means beginning to see yourself as a person separate from your loved one; a person who may be affected by your loved one’s behavior but did not cause it and should not be judged for it.
It is not always easy to tell your friends about your situation but it is a milestone when you can say in a matter of fact way…”Before I introduce you to my (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter), I should explain to you that my loved one has (addiction, bipolar, OCD,dementia, PTSD,depression,anxiety, etc. etc. ). Then go on in a matter of fact way to explain the situation and what can be expected. Talking openly about the issues lets others know how to relate to you and your family member and that there is nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. Open and honest discussion of the situation lets others know that they can discuss this with you, begin to gain an education on relating to others who may be different and learn about mental illness as well. For many of my clients, getting to this matter of fact acceptance of the situation is a therapeutic milestone in itself. Releasing shame and stigma is possible and relating to your family member with compassion, limits and boundaries begins to create a new stance from which to operate. My heart goes out to all of you who are caregivers today.

MASTERY: It is important to feel like a productive and competent person who has something to contribute in life. Having a talent or working hard to develop a skill brings a feeling of mastery that increases our good feelings about ourselves. When our abilities are noticed and appreciated by others, we feel even better. Watch a child who is working hard to learn to tie a shoe or throw a ball and then notice the excitement this child has when he or she accomplishes this. As adults we know how it feels to have and utilize a skill. We can forget how vulnerable we feel when we put ourselves in situations of trying to learn a new skill and we can also forget how rewarding and satisfying it is to master the skill and feel a renewed sense of competence.

AUTONOMY: Most of us also need to feel as though we are doing things of our own free will and by choice. There is a significant increase in happiness when a country increases civil liberties for its population. As humans, we want to feel free and self-sufficient. Autonomy means that we have a sense of choosing our lives and activities and doing things are meaningful to us. No one likes to feel controlled and even when we are performing assigned tasks in our work life or our home life, we can feel that we are doing these things because we have chosen them for the inner and outer rewards they bring us. In the movie “Invictus”, Nelson Mandela maintained his sense of freedom by reciting a poem with the following lines: I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul.

CONNECTION: Because we are humans, we are basically social animals. Feeling connected to others is essential to our survival and well-being. When we are disconnected,lonely or feel alienated from others, we are unhappy. Human infants must have physical and emotional contact or they die of “failure to thrive.” It is easy to forget how important and fundamental connection is to our well-being if we are caught up in the belief that we should be able to do everything without depending on others.

SECURITY: A feeling of security comes when we feel we have enough resources to meet our needs. The increase in happiness that comes when one is lifted out of poverty is enormous. We cannot be happy when we feel our day to day survival needs might not be met. Why then can we feel insecure when we do have resources? Past traumas of not having enough or worries that we will lose what we do have can undermine our feelings of happiness and well-being. We need to understand how much is “enough” and what is truly secure and not secure in our worlds.

- how important that relationship is to us
-whether we felt there was malicious intent behind the action
-if we have experienced other significant betrayals in our lives
-how much we self-attack and berate ourselves instead of taking this as a learning experience.

Many times we need to decide whether to try to repair this break or to cut our losses and leave. Much of this decision depends on our perception of the depth of the betrayal and the intention of the other. Sometimes when processed, the betrayal can be seen as a miscommunication in expectations. Other times it will be viewed as deeper than that. The attitude of the party who let you down is very significant as well. Does the other seem to acknowledge the problem or just become defensive? Do they take ownership and responsibility for their actions? Do they care how you feel? If you want to repair a break in trust you may wish to ask for the following actions of the other:

-take responsibility for their part in the trouble
-understand your feelings
-change course and maintain it over time
-issue a genuine apology and exhibit remorse.

Betrayal of trust is often a topic in my work. If you are concerned about this issue, please feel free to contact me at
mg@doctorgresham.com

1. Unrealistic expectations that do not function as promised. The best-seller “The Secret” could easily encourage someone to believe that all you have to do is visualize and it will come true. A positive vision is necessary but not sufficient by itself to produce results. It is only one of many factors that contribute to success.

2. The high cost of some self-help programs can lead you to spend excessively and create more stress. Read a book called “Helping Me Help Myself” to hear one writer’s experiences of seeking help over the course of a year and the costs of these programs. If you are going into debt for self-help you can end up in a difficult situation. If your resources are limited, stick to proven methods.

3. Most of my patients who come to therapy after a period of attempts at self-help have self-diagnosed and are working on the wrong problem with the wrong methods. Sexual problems are especially likely to create confusion and the majority of sexual help products and sexual advice is just incorrect ( such as:” Have a drink and relax and everything will be fine”).

The only self-help that I encourage is reading books. The cost is reasonable and learning, thinking and contemplating your problems is likely to be of benefit to you, even if it is not the whole solution. For this reason I have started a bookstore on my site so that you will have a chance to choose the best of the self-help genre out of the bewildering array of self-help material.

Often fathers have no idea what to do and avoid the situation by withdrawing and resigning themselves to a wife’s mental difficulties. Fathers are the adults who have the most impact and power to change the situation but many are afraid to rock the boat for fear of angry outbursts. Extended family members could also step in and insist that a mother get some help or could at least be willing to talk to the children about mom’s problems and let them know that it is not their fault. Many times daughters are left to try to care for and help their mothers with mental issues. We call this kind of child the “parentified” child since they are attempting to fill the role that a parent should undertake.

Families do not have to remain helpless in the face of a mother’s refusal to seek treatment. There are a number of people who now specialize in doing interventions with emotionally unstable family members and even if it may be an upsetting experience, the problem now has a name and the children will know that someone cared about what happens to them. When the problem is brought out into the open and made clear, the children no longer have to wonder if they are bad and somehow caused it. If you cannot tolerate your family member’s emotional outbursts, imagine how her children might feel. It takes courage to bring out these types of problems and there can be some difficult fallout but the alternative is to continue to whisper and dance around the issue without really confronting it.