Dr. Mary Gresham » Relationships

The Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:17:28 +0000

Whenever a successful man takes his own life, it comes as a shock to all who saw him as a success. Men who are deemed to be accomplished in life are seen as having it all. There is little room left for that man to have feelings that don’t fit the outward picture. Far too many men are suppressing feelings and needs that are simply human. It is easy for an accomplished man to feel as though he exists primarily to care for others and to deny as long as possible that he himself is in trouble emotionally.
Research on socialization of emotions, much of it done at Emory University, shows that little boys are generally steered to one feeling, the feeling of anger. When they tell a story to their parents, the parents often interpret the story of being upset to mean that the boy was angry. Meanwhile little girls are steered away from anger and towards sadness. No wonder the rates of depression are higher in women and the rates of addiction and outbursts are higher in men. This happens in educated well-meaning families without their awareness of directing their children by gender to interpret feelings in a certain way.
Traditionally men are also socialized to deny negative feelings in the presence of other men, where the typical interaction is one of teasing, humor and superficial talk about business or sports.This means that a man must have a supportive female partner who is interested in his feelings and is willing to work to try to draw him out. Men who do not have partners tend to have higher rates of depression as well, since they have little outlet to share their emotions. And many times men become depressed and don’t really know what is wrong..just that they are having trouble sleeping, are drinking too much or are escaping into television.
On the positive side, I see that younger men ( in Gen X and Y) do seem to have more access to their inner worlds and are more open than men brought up in the 50′s and 60′s. Younger men seem to be more accepting of treatment and seek out therapy on their own, not brought in by a female partner or a relationship loss as is more common with older more traditional men. Just as women now have more permission to direct their lives into either career success or motherhood or both, men eventually will have more permission to be authentic instead of feeling that they must measure their lives by how well they provided for others or by the image they projected. Books by Terence Real and David Wexler can help the process along, as can therapy. Being depressed means that something is not working in your life and is not a shameful or unacceptable situation. Seeking treatment is a healthy action that takes courage, not a sign of weakness.

For Singles in a Coupled World

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:17:07 +0000

Today is Valentine’s Day, a hard time for many single people because the world seems to be coupled. My single patients tend to have difficulties and distress at this time of year, feeling shame that they are still single. Most of them express that they feel no one has ever chosen them (never married singles) and have no validation of their lovability that they can show to others. Many feel discouraged with the quest to find a partner in love. Other patients (divorced/widowed) feel a lot of sadness that their primary relationship is gone but do not seem to have as much difficulty with the lack of validation.
Being single is a challenge in this culture where it is socially inappropriate to talk about loneliness and longing. Friends kind- heartedly try to soothe with words like “when you least expect it, it will happen” but singles experience these remarks as empty reassurance. Still other friends come up with advice, dating strategies and stories of friends who found someone but these comments are generally upsetting to a single person who is struggling to accept himself/herself as being alone.
It is so easy to compare oneself to others and ask “what is wrong with me that I am still single?” This is not a useful line of self-interrogation. It makes more sense to ask “how have I maintained my single status over the years?”There are many answers to this question; each answer will be unique to the person who is asking. Some push people away without realizing it because their parents had a bad marriage or got divorced. Some make no effort to meet other singles, wanting it to happen naturally without extending energy. There are plenty of staying-single behaviors that are not obvious to the person who says he/she wants a relationship.
It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and to show someone that you like them. The best stance is to keep looking for the special one and staying open while at the same time being happy with your life. This is easier to describe than to do but it means keeping the joy of life while at the same time seeking to change your life. That is where the paradox comes in. People you meet will be able to sense if you are desperate and you hate your life and that will be a turn off for them. They will also be able to tell whether you have a protective wall up and don’t want to risk letting anyone in and will move on. Wanting something and being okay with whether or not you are able to obtain it will keep you open while reducing your suffering about not having something that you want in life.

The double taboo: Money and death

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 18:16:28 +0000

It is hard to have an open, contained conversation about money that includes emotions and does not end up in a difficult interaction. This is a learned skill for most of us. It is even harder to have an open and contained discussion about money and death. Whether you want to know what is in your parents’ estates and how they plan to distribute or you want to deal with your own estate issues with your grown children, people in general are reluctant to address these topics.

The adults who are hesitant to ask information of their parents are afraid of being seen as greedy, in competition with their siblings or even of anticipating their parents’ deaths. This kind of avoidance generates anxiety and worry, often for years as they secretly wonder about the estate issues or dread dealing with their siblings.

It will take some courage and some skill to initiate this conversation but it could easily be that your parents are afraid to bring it up and would appreciate your initiating this conversation. It also helps to begin “softly” and with open ended questions such as “What you would most like to have happen in our family when you are at the end of your life?” ” How can all of us help you with that?” If your parent is in denial and will not discuss the topic, approach this indirectly by telling stories of your friends and their parents.

Parents tend to be blissfully unaware of the possibilities of sibling wars when they make inheritance decisions on their own and keep them private. The best outcome for your whole family may be to tell your adult children about your decisions and let them express their opinions and have some input as well. Emotions that truly should be part of the parent relationship can often be acted out on the siblings after the parents are deceased.

What gets in the way of parents calling a family meeting and reviewing estate concerns? Many do not know that it is important to do and it never occurs to them. Many parents perceive the assets to belong only to them and thus they have complete freedom to do as they wish. This ignores the next generation’s feelings that the assets belong to the whole family. In addition, as parents approach the last stage of their lives, they do not want to risk having a child upset with them or alienated from them and believe that keeping inheritance terms secret will preserve their own relationship with their children.

Best practices in today’s modern family include an open family meeting about the future process that the children will go through, some input from them and an open discussion of why certain choices seem desirable and the contained expression of feelings about this.

American Psych Association Mental Health Blog Day: To the Caregivers

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 19 May 2011 14:41:56 +0000

Today is mental health blog day for the American Psych Association and I am here today to extend compassion and understanding to all who are loving and caring for someone who has mental illness. There is still stigma involved in acknowledging that someone you are related to has symptoms of mental illness. Many adults who have family with mental problems feel as if it brings shame onto them because their family member has an illness. Feeling healthy inside means beginning to see yourself as a person separate from your loved one; a person who may be affected by your loved one’s behavior but did not cause it and should not be judged for it.
It is not always easy to tell your friends about your situation but it is a milestone when you can say in a matter of fact way…”Before I introduce you to my (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter), I should explain to you that my loved one has (addiction, bipolar, OCD,dementia, PTSD,depression,anxiety, etc. etc. ). Then go on in a matter of fact way to explain the situation and what can be expected. Talking openly about the issues lets others know how to relate to you and your family member and that there is nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. Open and honest discussion of the situation lets others know that they can discuss this with you, begin to gain an education on relating to others who may be different and learn about mental illness as well. For many of my clients, getting to this matter of fact acceptance of the situation is a therapeutic milestone in itself. Releasing shame and stigma is possible and relating to your family member with compassion, limits and boundaries begins to create a new stance from which to operate. My heart goes out to all of you who are caregivers today.

The Betrayal of Trust

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 14:28:48 +0000

One of the most painful experiences that we endure as humans is the experience of feeling as though our trust has been betrayed. The trust that is broken can be with another person, a relationship, a workplace or your an institution.
A break in trust first causes us to doubt our own abilities and perceptions. If we trusted and it did not work out, then what is wrong with our own ability to see reality and size up situations? How can we trust ourselves or another again? We go through a period of doubt and questioning that can be quite profound. Emotional responses can run the gamut of anger, panic, grief, hurt and shock. Our responses depend on many things:

- how important that relationship is to us
-whether we felt there was malicious intent behind the action
-if we have experienced other significant betrayals in our lives
-how much we self-attack and berate ourselves instead of taking this as a learning experience.

Many times we need to decide whether to try to repair this break or to cut our losses and leave. Much of this decision depends on our perception of the depth of the betrayal and the intention of the other. Sometimes when processed, the betrayal can be seen as a miscommunication in expectations. Other times it will be viewed as deeper than that. The attitude of the party who let you down is very significant as well. Does the other seem to acknowledge the problem or just become defensive? Do they take ownership and responsibility for their actions? Do they care how you feel? If you want to repair a break in trust you may wish to ask for the following actions of the other:

-take responsibility for their part in the trouble
-understand your feelings
-change course and maintain it over time
-issue a genuine apology and exhibit remorse.

Betrayal of trust is often a topic in my work. If you are concerned about this issue, please feel free to contact me at
mg@doctorgresham.com

Recovering from a Divorce

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 13 May 2010 19:52:04 +0000

There are a number of important stages and steps to go through in the process of divorce recovery. It is important to be proactive and effortful in this process…many of those who drift through hoping that time alone will be their healer may end up in the percentage of divorcees who do not really grow or enhance their lives with this painful experience. To feel the failure of your marriage and determine that you will learn and benefit from this experience means that you will be less likely to repeat it down the road. It is estimated that about 30% of partners who dissolve a family with children present end up in a category that researchers would call Desperately Single. 30% go onto having really benefitted from their divorces and about 40% make what would be called an adequate adjustment to this crisis.

What is likely to help you go into the group that would be described as enhancing your personal development and maturity from this experience? Not surprisingly, the ability to put away hostility and move from the conflict and adversarial positions of the initial divorce period into a more comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of the divorce and the part you played in it are essential. Although the anger and blame you feel are initially useful in helping you to sever the bonds you feel with your former spouse, eventually the dynamic needs to change to a more neutral and businesslike climate between ex-spouses. This is the first indication that the partner is no longer as important to you as he/she once was. The opposite of love is neutrality not hatred. Hatred and anger reflect a continuing concern with what your partner is doing or not doing and it means your ex is still the focus of your attention. Moving beyond your former partner means putting your own life first and making the best of yourself and your life with minimal interest in your ex-partner’s life. The concept is not complex but the execution of this ideal requires a lot of self-discipline and perhaps developing yourself in areas that you never anticipated or desired to develop. For women this can mean a re-focus into the world of earnings and work and for men this can mean developing relationship and emotive skills that have previously been delegated to a woman.

If you are a couple who is divorcing and you have children together the change from adversaries to co-parents is both difficult and worthwhile. I would strongly suggest that you look at the 2 best longterm research projects done in this area and learn from the wealth of data gathered over 40 years of studies. The references for these 2 are as follows: Mavis Hetherington For Better or for Worse and Constance Ahrons We’re Still Family.

If you are having difficulty moving past the feelings and experiences related to your divorce, consider psychotherapy. Many people wear out their support systems with the length of time that it can take to recover from a divorce. Family and friends are often reluctant to help you understand your part in the marital failure because their primary job is to serve a more supportive role. If you would like a consultation on your situation, please feel free to contact me at mg@doctorgresham.com .

A Difficult Mother

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:46:49 +0000

What does it mean to have a difficult mother? All mothers go through difficult periods due to fatigue, stress and the demands of adult life and parenting. However a truly difficult mother is difficult all the time and presents a child with an unresolvable dilemma: you can either sacrifice yourself and have a relationship with me or be your true self and I will ridicule, disapprove of or reject you. The child’s dependency on the mother is then exploited and he/she will have difficulty trusting others and developing close relationships in adulthood. Some of the characterisitics of a difficult mother include erratic and intense outbursts of anger, rigid and inflelxible expectations of her child or chronic neediness and unhappiness. The child grows up to be the caretaker or the parent of the mother and even in adulthood can have great difficulty resisting a mother’s manipulations and control. Often a grown child will beg mom to please “accept me as I am and stop needing, controlling or being angry with me.” Truly learning that your mother is no longer in charge of you can be hard , even when you know in your head that it is true. Learning that others will not treat you as she did is also hard. Challenge the voices in you that predict everyone will treat you similarly and you will always have to placate others. Be sure that you are not drawn to relationships that feel like a repeat of your childhoood as there are other ways to be with people than the ways of your original family. If you have difficulty with these issues, ask for help if you need it.

Intimacy and chemicals

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 25 May 2009 22:04:44 +0000

I have been aware for a number of years how using recreational chemicals can impede the development of closeness in couples. The last 2 weeks in the office have really brought this home. When you are high and your special one is not, he/she is likely to withdraw from you. You don’t see the changes in yourself or the relationship because your perceptions are altered. It only takes a few drinks or tokes to change the energy between you both. You feel that you are “more yourself” or more relaxed and are likely to deny that this is a problem. It is doesn’t meet the criteria for abuse/addiction but it does break the feeling of safety and closeness. Sometimes your loved one will join you in drinking or smoking so that he /she can be on the same wavelength . When the two of you are uninhibited you are more likely to get into a conflict with ugly words. Non-sober fights tend to go nowhere . Today might be a good day to ask your partner if he/she is ever bothered by your recreational activities and then carefully listen to the answer. Your partner might be unhappy about your using as it breaks the emotional connection and they sense that you are “different”. Checking it out can give you some valuable feedback.

If you are concerned about your or your partners use of substances, please feel free to call the office at 404-320-6510 for a consultation.

Or click here to send an email: mg@doctorgresham.com.

Dr. Mary Gresham

Relationship Skills

Dr. Mary Gresham — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:05:38 +0000

Most of my clients are either seeking to find a special love relationship or to improve the relationship that they are in. Relationship skills that are important for either seeking or improving a relationship are often learned in the family by watching our parents and how they treat each other. If we are fortunate enough to have parents in a strong marriage, then what we see and absorb will help us though we still must update some of it to work for our own generation. If our parents are single parents or are in unhappy relationships we either have a blank slate where the relationship modeling should be or we have an example that is the opposite of what we are seeking. Often the first step is to develop an idea of the skills we need to learn.

One possible source for this is the relationship research of Dr. John Gottman. He observed couples for 25 years and then noted the characteristics of happy and unhappy couples. His work has been published for the general public and is easily available in paperbacks. Knowing the skills we need is only the first step. The hardest part is learning to change old ways or develop the skills to begin with. This is the work …often uncomfortable and awkward at first…and without feedback hard to know if we have mastered it. If you are lucky enough to have a partner that you want to stay with, it would be best if both of you read the book and used the same theory. If you are still seeking a partner, you can practice these skills on close friendships and family relationships as they can apply to any intimate relationship.

Most of the skills have to do with how you talk to someone. If you have an issue with someone, learn how to bring it up “softly” rather than harshly. If you wait to bring up issues until you are furious and you use sarcasm and blame, this will be more difficult. You will not get a good response and are likely to get a defensive reaction, not a true listening and understanding. If you bring up issues based on your feelings and how you felt about something and are not acting in a superior manner in your presentation, you are likely to get a more positive response. It is hard to learn how to bring up things that are bothering you. Many people are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.

There are different kinds of “hurt.” A negative type of hurt is done simply to punish someone or put them down..the useful kind of hurt is done to help the relationship, help someone become aware of themselves and helps them grow as a person. Try hard to practice what you want to say before you say it and imagine how you would feel if this were said to you. Then get your courage and arrange a special time to talk remembering that often the most feared words in a relationship are “we need to talk” and that sensitivities will be high. Assure your partner that you do not want to hurt them, you want to have a better relationship.

Then read Dr. Gottman again and again until it begins to feel more natural.

Life Stress, Relationship Stress

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:10:09 +0000

One of the difficulties with the current times is the amount of anxiety generated by both the news and our social conversations. We are in a period of upsetting changes and uncertainty.In everyday talk, it is easy to see and hear how fearful most people are about the changes in our government, our financial systems and our businesses. In the midst of these stresses it is difficult to stay calm and understand that getting upset and anxious is unlikely to be of any benefit to us or to the people we love. In fact, it is likely that without realizing it we will take our own stresses out on our families and friends because we are comfortable with them and feel secure that they will not abandon us over our irritability and snappishness. The problem with this is that over time, taking stress out on our intimates does wear away the good feelings in the relationship. We may not end a relationship over a tense exchange and negative mood but we are unlikely to approach that person with caring and offers of connection. Small resentments begin to build when we feel unfairly treated in everyday interactions. It is important to help your partner become aware of this because most people do this without awareness. It is not helpful to respond in kind with sarcasm, etc such as “Excuse me for living”, etc. That just keeps the cycle going. Make a positive protest more along the lines of the following: ” I know that you are tense and worried but I would really appreciate it if you did not take this out on me. Let’s see if we can figure out how to reduce your stress.” I know that sounds like a tall order and it is not always possible to be so reasonable. The more you can tell your friends and family when you feel hurt by the behaviors of tension and worry that are taken out on you, the more likely you are to interrupt the process. If you are the one who is overwhelmed and stressed, be sure to apologize when you are snappy , impatient or withdrawn with your family and friends. Instead, ask for their patience and understanding during a difficult time. Relationships, unlike the economy, the availability of energy resources, the stock market and the elections, are a place where you do have immediate impact on the outcome.