Dr. Mary Gresham » Relationships

On being single :the paradox

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:47:35 +0000

We have just passed Valentine’s Day, a hard time for many single people because the world seems to be coupled. My single patients tend to have difficulties and distress at this time of year, feeling shame that they are still single. Most of them express that they feel no one has ever chosen them (never married singles) and have no validation of their lovability that they can show to others. Many feel discouraged with the quest to find a partner in love. Other patients (divorced/widowed) feel a lot of sadness that their primary relationship is gone but do not seem to have as much difficulty with the lack of validation.
Being single is a challenge in this culture where it is socially inappropriate to talk about loneliness and longing. Friends kind- heartedly try to soothe with words like “when you least expect it, it will happen” but singles experience these remarks as empty reassurance. Still other friends come up with advice, dating strategies and stories of friends who found someone but these comments are generally upsetting to a single person who is struggling to accept himself/herself as being alone.
It is so easy to compare oneself to others and ask “what is wrong with me that I am still single?” This is not a useful line of self-interrogation. It makes more sense to ask “how have I maintained my single status over the years?”There are many answers to this question; each answer will be unique to the person who is asking. Some push people away without realizing it because their parents had a bad marriage or got divorced. Some make no effort to meet other singles, wanting it to happen naturally without extending energy. There are plenty of staying-single behaviors that are not obvious to the person who says he/she wants a relationship.
It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and to show someone that you like them. The best stance is to keep looking for the special one and staying open while at the same time being happy with your life. This is easier to describe than to do but it means keeping the joy of life while at the same time seeking to change your life. That is where the paradox comes in. People you meet will be able to sense if you are desperate and you hate your life and that will be a turn off for them. They will also be able to tell whether you have a protective wall up and don’t want to risk letting anyone in and will move on. Wanting something and being okay with whether or not you are able to obtain it will keep you open while reducing your suffering about not having something that you want in life.

A Difficult Mother

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:46:49 +0000

What does it mean to have a difficult mother? All mothers go through difficult periods due to fatigue, stress and the demands of adult life and parenting. However a truly difficult mother is difficult all the time and presents a child with an unresolvable dilemma: you can either sacrifice yourself and have a relationship with me or be your true self and I will ridicule, disapprove of or reject you. The child’s dependency on the mother is then exploited and he/she will have difficulty trusting others and developing close relationships in adulthood. Some of the characterisitics of a difficult mother include erratic and intense outbursts of anger, rigid and inflelxible expectations of her child or chronic neediness and unhappiness. The child grows up to be the caretaker or the parent of the mother and even in adulthood can have great difficulty resisting a mother’s manipulations and control. Often a grown child will beg mom to please “accept me as I am and stop needing, controlling or being angry with me.” Truly learning that your mother is no longer in charge of you can be hard , even when you know in your head that it is true. Learning that others will not treat you as she did is also hard. Challenge the voices in you that predict everyone will treat you similarly and you will always have to placate others. Be sure that you are not drawn to relationships that feel like a repeat of your childhoood as there are other ways to be with people than the ways of your original family. If you have difficulty with these issues, ask for help if you need it.

Intimacy and chemicals

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 25 May 2009 22:04:44 +0000

I have been aware for a number of years how using recreational chemicals can impede the development of closeness in couples. The last 2 weeks in the office have really brought this home. When you are high and your special one is not, he/she is likely to withdraw from you. You don’t see the changes in yourself or the relationship because your perceptions are altered. It only takes a few drinks or tokes to change the energy between you both. You feel that you are “more yourself” or more relaxed and are likely to deny that this is a problem. It is doesn’t meet the criteria for abuse/addiction but it does break the feeling of safety and closeness. Sometimes your loved one will join you in drinking or smoking so that he /she can be on the same wavelength . When the two of you are uninhibited you are more likely to get into a conflict with ugly words. Non-sober fights tend to go nowhere . Today might be a good day to ask your partner if he/she is ever bothered by your recreational activities and then carefully listen to the answer. Your partner might be unhappy about your using as it breaks the emotional connection and they sense that you are “different”. Checking it out can give you some valuable feedback.

If you are concerned about your or your partners use of substances, please feel free to call the office at 404-320-6510 for a consultation.

Or click here to send an email: mg@doctorgresham.com.

Dr. Mary Gresham

Relationship Skills

Dr. Mary Gresham — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:05:38 +0000

Most of my clients are either seeking to find a special love relationship or to improve the relationship that they are in. Relationship skills that are important for either seeking or improving a relationship are often learned in the family by watching our parents and how they treat each other. If we are fortunate enough to have parents in a strong marriage, then what we see and absorb will help us though we still must update some of it to work for our own generation. If our parents are single parents or are in unhappy relationships we either have a blank slate where the relationship modeling should be or we have an example that is the opposite of what we are seeking. Often the first step is to develop an idea of the skills we need to learn.

One possible source for this is the relationship research of Dr. John Gottman. He observed couples for 25 years and then noted the characteristics of happy and unhappy couples. His work has been published for the general public and is easily available in paperbacks. Knowing the skills we need is only the first step. The hardest part is learning to change old ways or develop the skills to begin with. This is the work …often uncomfortable and awkward at first…and without feedback hard to know if we have mastered it. If you are lucky enough to have a partner that you want to stay with, it would be best if both of you read the book and used the same theory. If you are still seeking a partner, you can practice these skills on close friendships and family relationships as they can apply to any intimate relationship.

Most of the skills have to do with how you talk to someone. If you have an issue with someone, learn how to bring it up “softly” rather than harshly. If you wait to bring up issues until you are furious and you use sarcasm and blame, this will be more difficult. You will not get a good response and are likely to get a defensive reaction, not a true listening and understanding. If you bring up issues based on your feelings and how you felt about something and are not acting in a superior manner in your presentation, you are likely to get a more positive response. It is hard to learn how to bring up things that are bothering you. Many people are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.

There are different kinds of “hurt.” A negative type of hurt is done simply to punish someone or put them down..the useful kind of hurt is done to help the relationship, help someone become aware of themselves and helps them grow as a person. Try hard to practice what you want to say before you say it and imagine how you would feel if this were said to you. Then get your courage and arrange a special time to talk remembering that often the most feared words in a relationship are “we need to talk” and that sensitivities will be high. Assure your partner that you do not want to hurt them, you want to have a better relationship.

Then read Dr. Gottman again and again until it begins to feel more natural.

Life Stress, Relationship Stress

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:10:09 +0000

One of the difficulties with the current times is the amount of anxiety generated by both the news and our social conversations. We are in a period of upsetting changes and uncertainty.In everyday talk, it is easy to see and hear how fearful most people are about the changes in our government, our financial systems and our businesses. In the midst of these stresses it is difficult to stay calm and understand that getting upset and anxious is unlikely to be of any benefit to us or to the people we love. In fact, it is likely that without realizing it we will take our own stresses out on our families and friends because we are comfortable with them and feel secure that they will not abandon us over our irritability and snappishness. The problem with this is that over time, taking stress out on our intimates does wear away the good feelings in the relationship. We may not end a relationship over a tense exchange and negative mood but we are unlikely to approach that person with caring and offers of connection. Small resentments begin to build when we feel unfairly treated in everyday interactions. It is important to help your partner become aware of this because most people do this without awareness. It is not helpful to respond in kind with sarcasm, etc such as “Excuse me for living”, etc. That just keeps the cycle going. Make a positive protest more along the lines of the following: ” I know that you are tense and worried but I would really appreciate it if you did not take this out on me. Let’s see if we can figure out how to reduce your stress.” I know that sounds like a tall order and it is not always possible to be so reasonable. The more you can tell your friends and family when you feel hurt by the behaviors of tension and worry that are taken out on you, the more likely you are to interrupt the process. If you are the one who is overwhelmed and stressed, be sure to apologize when you are snappy , impatient or withdrawn with your family and friends. Instead, ask for their patience and understanding during a difficult time. Relationships, unlike the economy, the availability of energy resources, the stock market and the elections, are a place where you do have immediate impact on the outcome.

Couples’ Fights About Money

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 19:44:54 +0000

One of the most conflict-laden topics for couples is money. It takes a very mature couple to speak openly and calmly about their money differences. There is still a taboo about money discussions and to break this taboo often takes an emotional outburst….not the best beginning for a discussion. In addition money tends to bring up fear and anxiety so it is easy to believe that your partner is doing something that will threaten your survival if you and your partner have differences about handling money.

Many couples unconsciously divide roles in their partnership..one partner is designated to be the Spender and the other partner is designated to be the Saver. In this way, certain checks and balances are provided to the couples’ system. Distributing fixed roles tends to increase the amount of conflict a couple will have about money. It is very hard to step into your partner’s shoes when you feel an obligation to speak up for your money role whether it is to advocate on behalf of fun and comfort or to be the spokesperson for responsibility and saving. The longer a person remains in one assigned role, the more polarized the couple tends to become.

How do you break through this kind of conflict? It is not always easy to do but it can be fun to decide consciously that for a designated time you will experiment with switching roles to see what it is like to be in charge of a different couples task. This can be quite funny as you take on a role that is so unfamiliar and awkward. Another possibility is to change the ways you do things so that you are both involved in each money task. You shop together and pay bills together and decide on a budget together and review savings and investment decisions together. It is harder to get out of touch with your partner’s dilemma ,whether it is being unaware of how much groceries cost or being unaware of how poorly funded the retirement is, when you are both exposed to all aspects of money functioning in the family.

Often there are gender roles such that women are trained to spend and men are trained to save and invest. However this can vary from couple to couple and is not always the case.If you are interested in learning more or being counseled on the psychology of money, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Recovering from a Divorce

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 19:52:04 +0000

There are a number of important stages and steps to go through in the process of divorce recovery. It is important to be proactive and effortful in this process…many of those who drift through hoping that time alone will be their healer may end up in the percentage of divorcees who do not really grow or enhance their lives with this painful experience. To feel the failure of your marriage and determine that you will learn and benefit from this experience means that you will be less likely to repeat it down the road. It is estimated that about 30% of partners who dissolve a family with children present end up in a category that researchers would call Desperately Single. 30% go onto having really benefitted from their divorces and about 40% make what would be called an adequate adjustment to this crisis.

What is likely to help you go into the group that would be described as enhancing your personal development and maturity from this experience? Not surprisingly, the ability to put away hostility and move from the conflict and adversarial positions of the initial divorce period into a more comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of the divorce and the part you played in it are essential. Although the anger and blame you feel are initially useful in helping you to sever the bonds you feel with your former spouse, eventually the dynamic needs to change to a more neutral and businesslike climate between ex-spouses. This is the first indication that the partner is no longer as important to you as he/she once was. The opposite of love is neutrality not hatred. Hatred and anger reflect a continuing concern with what your partner is doing or not doing and it means your ex is still the focus of your attention. Moving beyond your former partner means putting your own life first and making the best of yourself and your life with minimal interest in your ex-partner’s life. The concept is not complex but the execution of this ideal requires a lot of self-discipline and perhaps developing yourself in areas that you never anticipated or desired to develop. For women this can mean a re-focus into the world of earnings and work and for men this can mean developing relationship and emotive skills that have previously been delegated to a woman.

If you are a couple who is divorcing and you have children together the change from adversaries to co-parents is both difficult and worthwhile. I would strongly suggest that you look at the 2 best longterm research projects done in this area and learn from the wealth of data gathered over 40 years of studies. The references for these 2 are as follows: Mavis Hetherington For Better or for Worse and Constance Ahrons We’re Still Family.

If you are having difficulty moving past the feelings and experiences related to your divorce, consider psychotherapy. Many people wear out their support systems with the length of time that it can take to recover from a divorce. Family and friends are often reluctant to help you understand your part in the marital failure because their primary job is to serve a more supportive role. If you would like a consultation on your situation, please feel free to contact me a mg@doctorgresham.com .