Dr. Mary Gresham » Psychotherapy

Therapy in your 20′s and 30′s

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 07 May 2012 01:39:20 +0000

One of the most important times in your life to seek therapy is in your 20′s and 30′s.This is the time that you are making those life decisions that will impact the course of your future. Here are just some of the questions that you are busy answering:
Should I get married and to whom?
Do I want children?
What should I do for work and an income?
Where should I live?
Why is my marriage such hard work? Is this the way it is supposed to be?
How close do I want to be to my parents?How much should I stand up to them?

As you can see, these are the questions without easy answers.They will define your life for decades. And for many of us, the answers may be that part of me wants to do X while the other part of me wants to do Y. It can lead to a war within the self. Looking at the what you did in the past that lead to a good decision can help. This period of life is more about developing a process to use to make good decisions than about each particular decision. If you are torn inside or cannot develop a good decision-making process, this is a time in life to consider therapy.

The Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:17:28 +0000

Whenever a successful man takes his own life, it comes as a shock to all who saw him as a success. Men who are deemed to be accomplished in life are seen as having it all. There is little room left for that man to have feelings that don’t fit the outward picture. Far too many men are suppressing feelings and needs that are simply human. It is easy for an accomplished man to feel as though he exists primarily to care for others and to deny as long as possible that he himself is in trouble emotionally.
Research on socialization of emotions, much of it done at Emory University, shows that little boys are generally steered to one feeling, the feeling of anger. When they tell a story to their parents, the parents often interpret the story of being upset to mean that the boy was angry. Meanwhile little girls are steered away from anger and towards sadness. No wonder the rates of depression are higher in women and the rates of addiction and outbursts are higher in men. This happens in educated well-meaning families without their awareness of directing their children by gender to interpret feelings in a certain way.
Traditionally men are also socialized to deny negative feelings in the presence of other men, where the typical interaction is one of teasing, humor and superficial talk about business or sports.This means that a man must have a supportive female partner who is interested in his feelings and is willing to work to try to draw him out. Men who do not have partners tend to have higher rates of depression as well, since they have little outlet to share their emotions. And many times men become depressed and don’t really know what is wrong..just that they are having trouble sleeping, are drinking too much or are escaping into television.
On the positive side, I see that younger men ( in Gen X and Y) do seem to have more access to their inner worlds and are more open than men brought up in the 50′s and 60′s. Younger men seem to be more accepting of treatment and seek out therapy on their own, not brought in by a female partner or a relationship loss as is more common with older more traditional men. Just as women now have more permission to direct their lives into either career success or motherhood or both, men eventually will have more permission to be authentic instead of feeling that they must measure their lives by how well they provided for others or by the image they projected. Books by Terence Real and David Wexler can help the process along, as can therapy. Being depressed means that something is not working in your life and is not a shameful or unacceptable situation. Seeking treatment is a healthy action that takes courage, not a sign of weakness.

The Four Cornerstones of Happiness

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 15:47:24 +0000

Recently I read a theory of happiness ( based on research studies) that summarized and discussed the four most important areas that contribute to feeling happy. I have found this to be very useful in the therapy that I do and would like to share this with you. The four attributes that seemed to contribute most to feelings of satisfaction and well-being in life were the following: competence, autonomy, connection and security.

MASTERY: It is important to feel like a productive and competent person who has something to contribute in life. Having a talent or working hard to develop a skill brings a feeling of mastery that increases our good feelings about ourselves. When our abilities are noticed and appreciated by others, we feel even better. Watch a child who is working hard to learn to tie a shoe or throw a ball and then notice the excitement this child has when he or she accomplishes this. As adults we know how it feels to have and utilize a skill. We can forget how vulnerable we feel when we put ourselves in situations of trying to learn a new skill and we can also forget how rewarding and satisfying it is to master the skill and feel a renewed sense of competence.

AUTONOMY: Most of us also need to feel as though we are doing things of our own free will and by choice. There is a significant increase in happiness when a country increases civil liberties for its population. As humans, we want to feel free and self-sufficient. Autonomy means that we have a sense of choosing our lives and activities and doing things are meaningful to us. No one likes to feel controlled and even when we are performing assigned tasks in our work life or our home life, we can feel that we are doing these things because we have chosen them for the inner and outer rewards they bring us. In the movie “Invictus”, Nelson Mandela maintained his sense of freedom by reciting a poem with the following lines: I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul.

CONNECTION: Because we are humans, we are basically social animals. Feeling connected to others is essential to our survival and well-being. When we are disconnected,lonely or feel alienated from others, we are unhappy. Human infants must have physical and emotional contact or they die of “failure to thrive.” It is easy to forget how important and fundamental connection is to our well-being if we are caught up in the belief that we should be able to do everything without depending on others.

SECURITY: A feeling of security comes when we feel we have enough resources to meet our needs. The increase in happiness that comes when one is lifted out of poverty is enormous. We cannot be happy when we feel our day to day survival needs might not be met. Why then can we feel insecure when we do have resources? Past traumas of not having enough or worries that we will lose what we do have can undermine our feelings of happiness and well-being. We need to understand how much is “enough” and what is truly secure and not secure in our worlds.

Does self-help work?

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 20:42:11 +0000

Many people will engage in a period of self-help before they will consider calling for a therapy appointment.
Sometimes self-help works well and sometimes it is actually harmful. The current estimate is that about 5% of people who engage in self-help endeavors end up being harmed by them. The greatest harm is done because of the following:

1. Unrealistic expectations that do not function as promised. The best-seller “The Secret” could easily encourage someone to believe that all you have to do is visualize and it will come true. A positive vision is necessary but not sufficient by itself to produce results. It is only one of many factors that contribute to success.

2. The high cost of some self-help programs can lead you to spend excessively and create more stress. Read a book called “Helping Me Help Myself” to hear one writer’s experiences of seeking help over the course of a year and the costs of these programs. If you are going into debt for self-help you can end up in a difficult situation. If your resources are limited, stick to proven methods.

3. Most of my patients who come to therapy after a period of attempts at self-help have self-diagnosed and are working on the wrong problem with the wrong methods. Sexual problems are especially likely to create confusion and the majority of sexual help products and sexual advice is just incorrect ( such as:” Have a drink and relax and everything will be fine”).

The only self-help that I encourage is reading books. The cost is reasonable and learning, thinking and contemplating your problems is likely to be of benefit to you, even if it is not the whole solution. For this reason I have started a bookstore on my site so that you will have a chance to choose the best of the self-help genre out of the bewildering array of self-help material.

A Difficult Mother

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:46:49 +0000

What does it mean to have a difficult mother? All mothers go through difficult periods due to fatigue, stress and the demands of adult life and parenting. However a truly difficult mother is difficult all the time and presents a child with an unresolvable dilemma: you can either sacrifice yourself and have a relationship with me or be your true self and I will ridicule, disapprove of or reject you. The child’s dependency on the mother is then exploited and he/she will have difficulty trusting others and developing close relationships in adulthood. Some of the characterisitics of a difficult mother include erratic and intense outbursts of anger, rigid and inflelxible expectations of her child or chronic neediness and unhappiness. The child grows up to be the caretaker or the parent of the mother and even in adulthood can have great difficulty resisting a mother’s manipulations and control. Often a grown child will beg mom to please “accept me as I am and stop needing, controlling or being angry with me.” Truly learning that your mother is no longer in charge of you can be hard , even when you know in your head that it is true. Learning that others will not treat you as she did is also hard. Challenge the voices in you that predict everyone will treat you similarly and you will always have to placate others. Be sure that you are not drawn to relationships that feel like a repeat of your childhoood as there are other ways to be with people than the ways of your original family. If you have difficulty with these issues, ask for help if you need it.

Happiness Research

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:11:45 +0000

What should you spend your money on? How effective is therapy at increasing happiness? The latest research from the Journal of Health Economics, Policy and Law ( Boyce and Wood) has an article entitled Money or Mental Health: Alleviating Psychological Distress with Monetary Compensation versus Psychological Therapy. This research analyzed data sets where thousands of people gave reports on their well-being. They compared well-being ratings for subjects who got a 4 month course of psychotherapy to the ratings of those who had a sudden increase in income through winnings and pay raises. The increase in well-being from $1300 of therapy was equivalent in this study to the well-being obtained by an increase of $40,726 in pay. Dr. Boyce writes that the purpose of the study is to help people see that they may be overestimating the effect that money has on their well-being. We should be questioning whether our current spending patterns are having the best impact on our well-being and making our mental health a priority. Perhaps courts should consider awarding therapy visits instead of dollars to plaintiffs. Having material wealth is unlikely to improve mental health, contrary to common myths, and people might be better off spending money on psychological therapy which seems 32 times more effective than money at increasing feelings of well-being.

Mood Changes and Cycles

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:29:26 +0000

Because springtime is coming and many people feel a burst of energy with the increase in sunlight, it seemed like a good time to discuss some of the normal cycles that many people experience. When you are feeling a burst of energy , starting new projects, coming up with new ideas and generally moving out into the world, you are in what is called the expansive mode. This is the cycle that feels good as you expand out from your typical ways of being in the world. It is possible to get a little scattered as you take on a number of new things or make changes in your life. Although this cycle has many rewards, it does require a lot of energy and there comes a time when it cannot be continued as you begin to feel worn out and in need of some “down time.”

This leads naturally into the period that is called contraction, which is a pulling in of your energy and a time to reflect and consolidate your activities. This time is a time where you need to rest and may feel more of a need for solitude. Because our society tends to value the high energy person who is always thinking of the next thing, many people feel that there is something wrong with them when they want some alone time and do not feel particularly social. These cycles are normal and natural and all humans experience them.

There are mood problems such as cyclothymia and bipolar where the mood shifts are dramatic, intense and frequent. These are different than the normal cycles that we all feel. They may need to be evaluated and you may need help learning to manage your mood shifts from a therapist. You can tell the difference by noticing that your daily functioning is compromised by a more serious mood disorder to the point that you may not feel able to get out of bed or leave the house in the down phase. Signs that you may need help in the up phase include an inability to stay on any of the new projects to completion or integration and you have impulsive urges that you are having trouble controlling. If you have concerns about this, do not hesitate to contact me via email at mg@doctorgresham.com or 404-320-6510.