Today is mental health blog day for the American Psych Association and I am here today to extend compassion and understanding to all who are loving and caring for someone who has mental illness. There is still stigma involved in acknowledging that someone you are related to has symptoms of mental illness. Many adults who have family with mental problems feel as if it brings shame onto them because their family member has an illness. Feeling healthy inside means beginning to see yourself as a person separate from your loved one; a person who may be affected by your loved one’s behavior but did not cause it and should not be judged for it.
It is not always easy to tell your friends about your situation but it is a milestone when you can say in a matter of fact way…”Before I introduce you to my (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter), I should explain to you that my loved one has (addiction, bipolar, OCD,dementia, PTSD,depression,anxiety, etc. etc. ). Then go on in a matter of fact way to explain the situation and what can be expected. Talking openly about the issues lets others know how to relate to you and your family member and that there is nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. Open and honest discussion of the situation lets others know that they can discuss this with you, begin to gain an education on relating to others who may be different and learn about mental illness as well. For many of my clients, getting to this matter of fact acceptance of the situation is a therapeutic milestone in itself. Releasing shame and stigma is possible and relating to your family member with compassion, limits and boundaries begins to create a new stance from which to operate. My heart goes out to all of you who are caregivers today.

- how important that relationship is to us
-whether we felt there was malicious intent behind the action
-if we have experienced other significant betrayals in our lives
-how much we self-attack and berate ourselves instead of taking this as a learning experience.

Many times we need to decide whether to try to repair this break or to cut our losses and leave. Much of this decision depends on our perception of the depth of the betrayal and the intention of the other. Sometimes when processed, the betrayal can be seen as a miscommunication in expectations. Other times it will be viewed as deeper than that. The attitude of the party who let you down is very significant as well. Does the other seem to acknowledge the problem or just become defensive? Do they take ownership and responsibility for their actions? Do they care how you feel? If you want to repair a break in trust you may wish to ask for the following actions of the other:

-take responsibility for their part in the trouble
-understand your feelings
-change course and maintain it over time
-issue a genuine apology and exhibit remorse.

Betrayal of trust is often a topic in my work. If you are concerned about this issue, please feel free to contact me at
mg@doctorgresham.com

1. Unrealistic expectations that do not function as promised. The best-seller “The Secret” could easily encourage someone to believe that all you have to do is visualize and it will come true. A positive vision is necessary but not sufficient by itself to produce results. It is only one of many factors that contribute to success.

2. The high cost of some self-help programs can lead you to spend excessively and create more stress. Read a book called “Helping Me Help Myself” to hear one writer’s experiences of seeking help over the course of a year and the costs of these programs. If you are going into debt for self-help you can end up in a difficult situation. If your resources are limited, stick to proven methods.

3. Most of my patients who come to therapy after a period of attempts at self-help have self-diagnosed and are working on the wrong problem with the wrong methods. Sexual problems are especially likely to create confusion and the majority of sexual help products and sexual advice is just incorrect ( such as:” Have a drink and relax and everything will be fine”).

The only self-help that I encourage is reading books. The cost is reasonable and learning, thinking and contemplating your problems is likely to be of benefit to you, even if it is not the whole solution. For this reason I have started a bookstore on my site so that you will have a chance to choose the best of the self-help genre out of the bewildering array of self-help material.

On another note, I am starting my women and money ongoing group this fall. This is a group for women only as all the research and my personal experience leads me to believe that women work best on subjects that are considered “Male-expert” (math, computers, finance) in small same sex groups. This is an ongoing group that follows after two years of offering one day workshops. I feel the one day workshop format does not work as well to sustain ongoing changes as the open-ended group. The group will meet 2 times monthly on wed evenings from 6:30 to 8:00 and is both educational and psychotherapeutic in nature. This is unusual but I think it will be a powerful combination and is modelled on the program at Onsite. The charge for the group is 65 per session and the initial committment is for 6 groups

. The group will be diverse in nature and is appropriate for a variety of issues and ages. Some referrals may be for younger women who want to prevent the problems they see in others; some will be women who have money but are afraid to invest it or use it; some may be for women who are afraid to negotiate or market on their own behalf; some may be for overspending problems, some may be for women who are in partnerships where there is severe conflict about money, etc. If you have a colleague, partner or client or client’s spouse that you believe is a good fit for this program, please have them contact me

You can start your own money group with some trusted friends and learn this way.

1. Be sure each member is free to learn and discuss whatever she wants, whether it is her relationship to her partner or her negative feelings about having a spending plan.

2. Make personal sharing and storytelling an acceptable way to participate.

3. Let each member have a chance to decide on a topic of interest to her and lead a session.

4. The group has to suspend all judgments of each other’s ways of relating to money and be mutually supportive.

Please contact at mg@doctorgresham.com if you are interested in having Dr. Gresham present to your women’s group.

Why is this so difficult? It is tempting to take only one aspect of money and cling to it, as if it were the whole story. Many of us only want to deal with one side of money and refuse to see the rest of the picture. Perhaps we are afraid it will be too confusing or we have been trained to look at one side and no other. Our culture has powerful messages that we can stereotype as typically “male” and “female” points of view regarding money. These points of view are reinforced in stories, advertisements, the media,our neighborhood gossip and what we have been taught to aspire to in our lives. We come into partnerships with mates and hope that our mate will carry the money task that we do not want to deal with : earning it, counting it, saving it, planning it’s use, spending it , sharing it and leaving it behind. Secretly we hope to be able to do only the tasks that are familiar and comfortable for us….or perhaps to have nothing to do with any of it and avoid it as much as possible. It seems we are less likely to let ourselves know what our truth is about money and to discuss it openly and without embarassment . Some of us may only discuss it in the heat of an argument and never any other time…others may never mention it. Let’s face it…..money is the new sex in terms of how we as individuals need to overcome the taboo of mentioning it, asking others about it and being honest with ourselves and interested in how we and our loved ones relate to this powerful symbol and commodity.

Ask yourself some important questions. Are you in trouble with money either in the spending or saving of it? Are you able to share your money when you need to show others you value them? Are you able to withold money when others are wasting it? Do you have your own ideas of what constitutes a good life and is worth spending your life’s energy on ? Are you in serious confict with others about a money matter that seems unresolvable?

Amazingly, not enough people consider examining ther own issues with money in the therapists’ office. “Surely this is at least one area where I can get it together on my own when…..(fill in the blank)”. Most people think it is simply a matter of getting others to change or finally implementing whatever plan or dream is gathering dust within themselves. Except that when we do finally get down to the work together it turns out that this is a complicated topic with lots of different layers that do not coordinate beautifully with each other. Each layer holds a piece of what we need, want and remember in its own slice of history..like looking at geological eras in the side of an old canyon. What works to solve one need will create conflicts in another area and so forth. It is not easy to face all the pieces at once as the puzzle can become overwhelming.