Dr. Mary Gresham » Personal Growth

On being single :the paradox

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:47:35 +0000

We have just passed Valentine’s Day, a hard time for many single people because the world seems to be coupled. My single patients tend to have difficulties and distress at this time of year, feeling shame that they are still single. Most of them express that they feel no one has ever chosen them (never married singles) and have no validation of their lovability that they can show to others. Many feel discouraged with the quest to find a partner in love. Other patients (divorced/widowed) feel a lot of sadness that their primary relationship is gone but do not seem to have as much difficulty with the lack of validation.
Being single is a challenge in this culture where it is socially inappropriate to talk about loneliness and longing. Friends kind- heartedly try to soothe with words like “when you least expect it, it will happen” but singles experience these remarks as empty reassurance. Still other friends come up with advice, dating strategies and stories of friends who found someone but these comments are generally upsetting to a single person who is struggling to accept himself/herself as being alone.
It is so easy to compare oneself to others and ask “what is wrong with me that I am still single?” This is not a useful line of self-interrogation. It makes more sense to ask “how have I maintained my single status over the years?”There are many answers to this question; each answer will be unique to the person who is asking. Some push people away without realizing it because their parents had a bad marriage or got divorced. Some make no effort to meet other singles, wanting it to happen naturally without extending energy. There are plenty of staying-single behaviors that are not obvious to the person who says he/she wants a relationship.
It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and to show someone that you like them. The best stance is to keep looking for the special one and staying open while at the same time being happy with your life. This is easier to describe than to do but it means keeping the joy of life while at the same time seeking to change your life. That is where the paradox comes in. People you meet will be able to sense if you are desperate and you hate your life and that will be a turn off for them. They will also be able to tell whether you have a protective wall up and don’t want to risk letting anyone in and will move on. Wanting something and being okay with whether or not you are able to obtain it will keep you open while reducing your suffering about not having something that you want in life.

A Difficult Mother

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:46:49 +0000

What does it mean to have a difficult mother? All mothers go through difficult periods due to fatigue, stress and the demands of adult life and parenting. However a truly difficult mother is difficult all the time and presents a child with an unresolvable dilemma: you can either sacrifice yourself and have a relationship with me or be your true self and I will ridicule, disapprove of or reject you. The child’s dependency on the mother is then exploited and he/she will have difficulty trusting others and developing close relationships in adulthood. Some of the characterisitics of a difficult mother include erratic and intense outbursts of anger, rigid and inflelxible expectations of her child or chronic neediness and unhappiness. The child grows up to be the caretaker or the parent of the mother and even in adulthood can have great difficulty resisting a mother’s manipulations and control. Often a grown child will beg mom to please “accept me as I am and stop needing, controlling or being angry with me.” Truly learning that your mother is no longer in charge of you can be hard , even when you know in your head that it is true. Learning that others will not treat you as she did is also hard. Challenge the voices in you that predict everyone will treat you similarly and you will always have to placate others. Be sure that you are not drawn to relationships that feel like a repeat of your childhoood as there are other ways to be with people than the ways of your original family. If you have difficulty with these issues, ask for help if you need it.

ABC’s 20/20 program about Onsite

Dr. Mary Gresham — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:32:47 +0000

Last Friday night the Healing Money Issues program was featured on ABC’s 20/20. This is a 5 day live-in program at a retreat center in Tennessee that works with clients on money issues. I worked in this program as an assistant last november and learned a lot . Here is a link to the video if you would like to see it. Healing Money Issues

On another note, I am starting my women and money ongoing group this fall. This is a group for women only as all the research and my personal experience leads me to believe that women work best on subjects that are considered “Male-expert” (math, computers, finance) in small same sex groups. This is an ongoing group that follows after two years of offering one day workshops. I feel the one day workshop format does not work as well to sustain ongoing changes as the open-ended group. The group will meet 2 times monthly on wed evenings from 6:30 to 8:00 and is both educational and psychotherapeutic in nature. This is unusual but I think it will be a powerful combination and is modelled on the program at Onsite. The charge for the group is 65 per session and the initial committment is for 6 groups

. The group will be diverse in nature and is appropriate for a variety of issues and ages. Some referrals may be for younger women who want to prevent the problems they see in others; some will be women who have money but are afraid to invest it or use it; some may be for women who are afraid to negotiate or market on their own behalf; some may be for overspending problems, some may be for women who are in partnerships where there is severe conflict about money, etc. If you have a colleague, partner or client or client’s spouse that you believe is a good fit for this program, please have them contact me

Your Journey to Money Maturity

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:51:01 +0000

Your journey to money maturity begins when you are finally able as an adult to step aside from your engagement with money and see both the emotive and the realistic sides to this commodity. For many years you have been affected by the messages received from your family, our culture and your own childhood experiences with money. Your journey to maturity does not really begin until you are able to see and articulate your money-learning backgound. Until then it will be difficult to separate yourself from your history and make choices that reflect your current values, emotions and reality with money.

Why is this so difficult? It is tempting to take only one aspect of money and cling to it, as if it were the whole story. Many of us only want to deal with one side of money and refuse to see the rest of the picture. Perhaps we are afraid it will be too confusing or we have been trained to look at one side and no other. Our culture has powerful messages that we can stereotype as typically “male” and “female” points of view regarding money. These points of view are reinforced in stories, advertisements, the media,our neighborhood gossip and what we have been taught to aspire to in our lives. We come into partnerships with mates and hope that our mate will carry the money task that we do not want to deal with : earning it, counting it, saving it, planning it’s use, spending it , sharing it and leaving it behind. Secretly we hope to be able to do only the tasks that are familiar and comfortable for us….or perhaps to have nothing to do with any of it and avoid it as much as possible. It seems we are less likely to let ourselves know what our truth is about money and to discuss it openly and without embarassment . Some of us may only discuss it in the heat of an argument and never any other time…others may never mention it. Let’s face it…..money is the new sex in terms of how we as individuals need to overcome the taboo of mentioning it, asking others about it and being honest with ourselves and interested in how we and our loved ones relate to this powerful symbol and commodity.

Ask yourself some important questions. Are you in trouble with money either in the spending or saving of it? Are you able to share your money when you need to show others you value them? Are you able to withold money when others are wasting it? Do you have your own ideas of what constitutes a good life and is worth spending your life’s energy on ? Are you in serious confict with others about a money matter that seems unresolvable?

Amazingly, not enough people consider examining ther own issues with money in the therapists’ office. “Surely this is at least one area where I can get it together on my own when…..(fill in the blank)”. Most people think it is simply a matter of getting others to change or finally implementing whatever plan or dream is gathering dust within themselves. Except that when we do finally get down to the work together it turns out that this is a complicated topic with lots of different layers that do not coordinate beautifully with each other. Each layer holds a piece of what we need, want and remember in its own slice of history..like looking at geological eras in the side of an old canyon. What works to solve one need will create conflicts in another area and so forth. It is not easy to face all the pieces at once as the puzzle can become overwhelming.