Dr. Mary Gresham » Life Transitions

The Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:17:28 +0000

Whenever a successful man takes his own life, it comes as a shock to all who saw him as a success. Men who are deemed to be accomplished in life are seen as having it all. There is little room left for that man to have feelings that don’t fit the outward picture. Far too many men are suppressing feelings and needs that are simply human. It is easy for an accomplished man to feel as though he exists primarily to care for others and to deny as long as possible that he himself is in trouble emotionally.
Research on socialization of emotions, much of it done at Emory University, shows that little boys are generally steered to one feeling, the feeling of anger. When they tell a story to their parents, the parents often interpret the story of being upset to mean that the boy was angry. Meanwhile little girls are steered away from anger and towards sadness. No wonder the rates of depression are higher in women and the rates of addiction and outbursts are higher in men. This happens in educated well-meaning families without their awareness of directing their children by gender to interpret feelings in a certain way.
Traditionally men are also socialized to deny negative feelings in the presence of other men, where the typical interaction is one of teasing, humor and superficial talk about business or sports.This means that a man must have a supportive female partner who is interested in his feelings and is willing to work to try to draw him out. Men who do not have partners tend to have higher rates of depression as well, since they have little outlet to share their emotions. And many times men become depressed and don’t really know what is wrong..just that they are having trouble sleeping, are drinking too much or are escaping into television.
On the positive side, I see that younger men ( in Gen X and Y) do seem to have more access to their inner worlds and are more open than men brought up in the 50′s and 60′s. Younger men seem to be more accepting of treatment and seek out therapy on their own, not brought in by a female partner or a relationship loss as is more common with older more traditional men. Just as women now have more permission to direct their lives into either career success or motherhood or both, men eventually will have more permission to be authentic instead of feeling that they must measure their lives by how well they provided for others or by the image they projected. Books by Terence Real and David Wexler can help the process along, as can therapy. Being depressed means that something is not working in your life and is not a shameful or unacceptable situation. Seeking treatment is a healthy action that takes courage, not a sign of weakness.

Rebuilding your life

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:40:43 +0000

There comes a time for each of us when we face the task of rebuilding an adult life from the ground up. It may be that losses are occurring in proximity to each other. Job loss, loss of a significant other, death of a family member, the emptying of the nest, or a change in economic circumstances are some the loss experiences that create the impetus to rebuild our lives. There are also many wonderful life experiences where we have to start over: a new job in a new city, graduating from school, leaving military service,retiring from a long term job and changing marital or parental status. It is hard to remember when we are feeling settled and comfortable that this state is temporary and at some point will come to an end. When the old life falls apart, it is easy to feel lost, alone and confused. The trite saying, “The only way out is through” is particularly true for these relaunching of ourselves.
Along with the stress of trying to make decisions and rebuild our worlds, there is also an opportunity to redefine ourselves and pursue other options that we may not have considered in the past. All of us also have unlived potentials inside of us that we can draw on to re-invent our new worlds.
The re-building task will confront us at a number of times in our adult lives and is part of the nature of how we live in the modern world. These transitions are distressing, challenging, and rewarding times in our lives and we need all the support we can get to keep depression and anxiety from overwhelming us. When you find yourself at this place in your life, don’t be afraid to ask others for help. By the time most of us have reached the age of 40, we have all hit some hard times and had to face disappointing re-definitions of what we thought our lives would become. This is a good time to turn to foundations of what has sustained us in past times: friendships, support groups, knowledge-seeking,time spent in natural settings,creative endeavors, religious beliefs, and a willingness to ask for help will help you stay the course until your new life has taken hold.

The double taboo: Money and death

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 18:16:28 +0000

It is hard to have an open, contained conversation about money that includes emotions and does not end up in a difficult interaction. This is a learned skill for most of us. It is even harder to have an open and contained discussion about money and death. Whether you want to know what is in your parents’ estates and how they plan to distribute or you want to deal with your own estate issues with your grown children, people in general are reluctant to address these topics.

The adults who are hesitant to ask information of their parents are afraid of being seen as greedy, in competition with their siblings or even of anticipating their parents’ deaths. This kind of avoidance generates anxiety and worry, often for years as they secretly wonder about the estate issues or dread dealing with their siblings.

It will take some courage and some skill to initiate this conversation but it could easily be that your parents are afraid to bring it up and would appreciate your initiating this conversation. It also helps to begin “softly” and with open ended questions such as “What you would most like to have happen in our family when you are at the end of your life?” ” How can all of us help you with that?” If your parent is in denial and will not discuss the topic, approach this indirectly by telling stories of your friends and their parents.

Parents tend to be blissfully unaware of the possibilities of sibling wars when they make inheritance decisions on their own and keep them private. The best outcome for your whole family may be to tell your adult children about your decisions and let them express their opinions and have some input as well. Emotions that truly should be part of the parent relationship can often be acted out on the siblings after the parents are deceased.

What gets in the way of parents calling a family meeting and reviewing estate concerns? Many do not know that it is important to do and it never occurs to them. Many parents perceive the assets to belong only to them and thus they have complete freedom to do as they wish. This ignores the next generation’s feelings that the assets belong to the whole family. In addition, as parents approach the last stage of their lives, they do not want to risk having a child upset with them or alienated from them and believe that keeping inheritance terms secret will preserve their own relationship with their children.

Best practices in today’s modern family include an open family meeting about the future process that the children will go through, some input from them and an open discussion of why certain choices seem desirable and the contained expression of feelings about this.

Does self-help work?

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 20:42:11 +0000

Many people will engage in a period of self-help before they will consider calling for a therapy appointment.
Sometimes self-help works well and sometimes it is actually harmful. The current estimate is that about 5% of people who engage in self-help endeavors end up being harmed by them. The greatest harm is done because of the following:

1. Unrealistic expectations that do not function as promised. The best-seller “The Secret” could easily encourage someone to believe that all you have to do is visualize and it will come true. A positive vision is necessary but not sufficient by itself to produce results. It is only one of many factors that contribute to success.

2. The high cost of some self-help programs can lead you to spend excessively and create more stress. Read a book called “Helping Me Help Myself” to hear one writer’s experiences of seeking help over the course of a year and the costs of these programs. If you are going into debt for self-help you can end up in a difficult situation. If your resources are limited, stick to proven methods.

3. Most of my patients who come to therapy after a period of attempts at self-help have self-diagnosed and are working on the wrong problem with the wrong methods. Sexual problems are especially likely to create confusion and the majority of sexual help products and sexual advice is just incorrect ( such as:” Have a drink and relax and everything will be fine”).

The only self-help that I encourage is reading books. The cost is reasonable and learning, thinking and contemplating your problems is likely to be of benefit to you, even if it is not the whole solution. For this reason I have started a bookstore on my site so that you will have a chance to choose the best of the self-help genre out of the bewildering array of self-help material.

Recovering from a Divorce

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 13 May 2010 19:52:04 +0000

There are a number of important stages and steps to go through in the process of divorce recovery. It is important to be proactive and effortful in this process…many of those who drift through hoping that time alone will be their healer may end up in the percentage of divorcees who do not really grow or enhance their lives with this painful experience. To feel the failure of your marriage and determine that you will learn and benefit from this experience means that you will be less likely to repeat it down the road. It is estimated that about 30% of partners who dissolve a family with children present end up in a category that researchers would call Desperately Single. 30% go onto having really benefitted from their divorces and about 40% make what would be called an adequate adjustment to this crisis.

What is likely to help you go into the group that would be described as enhancing your personal development and maturity from this experience? Not surprisingly, the ability to put away hostility and move from the conflict and adversarial positions of the initial divorce period into a more comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of the divorce and the part you played in it are essential. Although the anger and blame you feel are initially useful in helping you to sever the bonds you feel with your former spouse, eventually the dynamic needs to change to a more neutral and businesslike climate between ex-spouses. This is the first indication that the partner is no longer as important to you as he/she once was. The opposite of love is neutrality not hatred. Hatred and anger reflect a continuing concern with what your partner is doing or not doing and it means your ex is still the focus of your attention. Moving beyond your former partner means putting your own life first and making the best of yourself and your life with minimal interest in your ex-partner’s life. The concept is not complex but the execution of this ideal requires a lot of self-discipline and perhaps developing yourself in areas that you never anticipated or desired to develop. For women this can mean a re-focus into the world of earnings and work and for men this can mean developing relationship and emotive skills that have previously been delegated to a woman.

If you are a couple who is divorcing and you have children together the change from adversaries to co-parents is both difficult and worthwhile. I would strongly suggest that you look at the 2 best longterm research projects done in this area and learn from the wealth of data gathered over 40 years of studies. The references for these 2 are as follows: Mavis Hetherington For Better or for Worse and Constance Ahrons We’re Still Family.

If you are having difficulty moving past the feelings and experiences related to your divorce, consider psychotherapy. Many people wear out their support systems with the length of time that it can take to recover from a divorce. Family and friends are often reluctant to help you understand your part in the marital failure because their primary job is to serve a more supportive role. If you would like a consultation on your situation, please feel free to contact me at mg@doctorgresham.com .