Dr. Mary Gresham » Families

Therapy in your 20′s and 30′s

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 07 May 2012 01:39:20 +0000

One of the most important times in your life to seek therapy is in your 20′s and 30′s.This is the time that you are making those life decisions that will impact the course of your future. Here are just some of the questions that you are busy answering:
Should I get married and to whom?
Do I want children?
What should I do for work and an income?
Where should I live?
Why is my marriage such hard work? Is this the way it is supposed to be?
How close do I want to be to my parents?How much should I stand up to them?

As you can see, these are the questions without easy answers.They will define your life for decades. And for many of us, the answers may be that part of me wants to do X while the other part of me wants to do Y. It can lead to a war within the self. Looking at the what you did in the past that lead to a good decision can help. This period of life is more about developing a process to use to make good decisions than about each particular decision. If you are torn inside or cannot develop a good decision-making process, this is a time in life to consider therapy.

The double taboo: Money and death

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 18:16:28 +0000

It is hard to have an open, contained conversation about money that includes emotions and does not end up in a difficult interaction. This is a learned skill for most of us. It is even harder to have an open and contained discussion about money and death. Whether you want to know what is in your parents’ estates and how they plan to distribute or you want to deal with your own estate issues with your grown children, people in general are reluctant to address these topics.

The adults who are hesitant to ask information of their parents are afraid of being seen as greedy, in competition with their siblings or even of anticipating their parents’ deaths. This kind of avoidance generates anxiety and worry, often for years as they secretly wonder about the estate issues or dread dealing with their siblings.

It will take some courage and some skill to initiate this conversation but it could easily be that your parents are afraid to bring it up and would appreciate your initiating this conversation. It also helps to begin “softly” and with open ended questions such as “What you would most like to have happen in our family when you are at the end of your life?” ” How can all of us help you with that?” If your parent is in denial and will not discuss the topic, approach this indirectly by telling stories of your friends and their parents.

Parents tend to be blissfully unaware of the possibilities of sibling wars when they make inheritance decisions on their own and keep them private. The best outcome for your whole family may be to tell your adult children about your decisions and let them express their opinions and have some input as well. Emotions that truly should be part of the parent relationship can often be acted out on the siblings after the parents are deceased.

What gets in the way of parents calling a family meeting and reviewing estate concerns? Many do not know that it is important to do and it never occurs to them. Many parents perceive the assets to belong only to them and thus they have complete freedom to do as they wish. This ignores the next generation’s feelings that the assets belong to the whole family. In addition, as parents approach the last stage of their lives, they do not want to risk having a child upset with them or alienated from them and believe that keeping inheritance terms secret will preserve their own relationship with their children.

Best practices in today’s modern family include an open family meeting about the future process that the children will go through, some input from them and an open discussion of why certain choices seem desirable and the contained expression of feelings about this.

American Psych Association Mental Health Blog Day: To the Caregivers

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 19 May 2011 14:41:56 +0000

Today is mental health blog day for the American Psych Association and I am here today to extend compassion and understanding to all who are loving and caring for someone who has mental illness. There is still stigma involved in acknowledging that someone you are related to has symptoms of mental illness. Many adults who have family with mental problems feel as if it brings shame onto them because their family member has an illness. Feeling healthy inside means beginning to see yourself as a person separate from your loved one; a person who may be affected by your loved one’s behavior but did not cause it and should not be judged for it.
It is not always easy to tell your friends about your situation but it is a milestone when you can say in a matter of fact way…”Before I introduce you to my (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter), I should explain to you that my loved one has (addiction, bipolar, OCD,dementia, PTSD,depression,anxiety, etc. etc. ). Then go on in a matter of fact way to explain the situation and what can be expected. Talking openly about the issues lets others know how to relate to you and your family member and that there is nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. Open and honest discussion of the situation lets others know that they can discuss this with you, begin to gain an education on relating to others who may be different and learn about mental illness as well. For many of my clients, getting to this matter of fact acceptance of the situation is a therapeutic milestone in itself. Releasing shame and stigma is possible and relating to your family member with compassion, limits and boundaries begins to create a new stance from which to operate. My heart goes out to all of you who are caregivers today.

Mental Illness and Violence

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 22:26:59 +0000

Our country is the only developed country that has mass murders perpetrated by young adults, college students, high school students and even some elementary school students. After one of these incidents such as the one in Tucson, there comes an outcry about mental illness and how the mentally ill need to be noticed, contained and treated in order to prevent violence. I agree that the mentally ill need to be treated but also feel the need to point out that the rates of violence in mentally ill populations are no higher than the rates of violence in non-mentally ill populations and are sometimes lower. The US has the same percentage of mentally ill as do the other developed countries yet they do not have the same kinds of murderous events that we experience. Why?
There are other factors besides the presence of untreated mentally ill young people. One is the easy access to very lethal automatic weapons. When one can enter a store and emerge with an arsenal, something is amiss. To drive a car one must prove that he or she is competent to handle this powerful machine and understands the laws involved by taking a written test. To require less than this for gun ownership seems foolhardy. There is also a media that is hungry for sensational stories and extreme rhetoric that excites and attracts viewers. This media has a powerful influence and ubiquitous presence, becoming embedded in the minds of those who are most vulnerable,the isolated person who consumes many hours daily of violent imagery and angry political arguments. It is time that we focused on looking at the factors that differentiate us from the other developed countries. Those factors do not include the number of mentally ill and alienated young people.

The Betrayal of Trust

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 14:28:48 +0000

One of the most painful experiences that we endure as humans is the experience of feeling as though our trust has been betrayed. The trust that is broken can be with another person, a relationship, a workplace or your an institution.
A break in trust first causes us to doubt our own abilities and perceptions. If we trusted and it did not work out, then what is wrong with our own ability to see reality and size up situations? How can we trust ourselves or another again? We go through a period of doubt and questioning that can be quite profound. Emotional responses can run the gamut of anger, panic, grief, hurt and shock. Our responses depend on many things:

- how important that relationship is to us
-whether we felt there was malicious intent behind the action
-if we have experienced other significant betrayals in our lives
-how much we self-attack and berate ourselves instead of taking this as a learning experience.

Many times we need to decide whether to try to repair this break or to cut our losses and leave. Much of this decision depends on our perception of the depth of the betrayal and the intention of the other. Sometimes when processed, the betrayal can be seen as a miscommunication in expectations. Other times it will be viewed as deeper than that. The attitude of the party who let you down is very significant as well. Does the other seem to acknowledge the problem or just become defensive? Do they take ownership and responsibility for their actions? Do they care how you feel? If you want to repair a break in trust you may wish to ask for the following actions of the other:

-take responsibility for their part in the trouble
-understand your feelings
-change course and maintain it over time
-issue a genuine apology and exhibit remorse.

Betrayal of trust is often a topic in my work. If you are concerned about this issue, please feel free to contact me at
mg@doctorgresham.com

Families with problem mothers

Dr. Mary Gresham — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:33:08 +0000

There is often denial in families about the emotional troubles of others in the family. This is particularly true when a mother is emotionally unstable and family members look the other way instead of stepping in and dealing with the issue. The problem with this kind of denial is that children are affected by a mother’s mood swings, alcohol use, rage, verbal put downs or neediness. The same woman that no one in the family can deal with is left in charge of the children.

Often fathers have no idea what to do and avoid the situation by withdrawing and resigning themselves to a wife’s mental difficulties. Fathers are the adults who have the most impact and power to change the situation but many are afraid to rock the boat for fear of angry outbursts. Extended family members could also step in and insist that a mother get some help or could at least be willing to talk to the children about mom’s problems and let them know that it is not their fault. Many times daughters are left to try to care for and help their mothers with mental issues. We call this kind of child the “parentified” child since they are attempting to fill the role that a parent should undertake.

Families do not have to remain helpless in the face of a mother’s refusal to seek treatment. There are a number of people who now specialize in doing interventions with emotionally unstable family members and even if it may be an upsetting experience, the problem now has a name and the children will know that someone cared about what happens to them. When the problem is brought out into the open and made clear, the children no longer have to wonder if they are bad and somehow caused it. If you cannot tolerate your family member’s emotional outbursts, imagine how her children might feel. It takes courage to bring out these types of problems and there can be some difficult fallout but the alternative is to continue to whisper and dance around the issue without really confronting it.

Helping young adults who are underfunctioning

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 02 May 2010 19:26:40 +0000

Is there such a thing as a slacker young adult? Yes there is and they may be part of your own family or even living with you. I have recently been asked by 2 mothers who have children in their 20s living at home, how to help launch these grown children. First of all, not every child who lives in a multi-generational household is a slacker. Some are busy as students or full-time employees and it may be that these young adults are living at home to save money for something important or avoid student debt. In these cases, the children pay some of the living expenses of the house and do chores in the home to acknowledge that they are not guests but family members who have to contribute to the household. They are living in the home as adults and are able to negotiate and have some say over communal issues that arise in every household (i.e. how long can dishes go unwashed in this house?).
The young adult I am referring to as under-functioning is not in a healthy situation like the above but is living off his/her family. This child may be working part-time and having a perpetual summer, sleeping late and primarily interested in hanging out with friends. There is not a sense of moving forward in this young person’s life but more of a sense of being stuck. If you are the parent of such a child, you may be distressed but you keep allowing yourself to be persuaded by your child’s compelling arguments to keep things the way they are. If you take a step back and look at the situation you might begin to see how this is doing your child a true disservice. If your child has no inner drive to leave, you will need to become the motivating force if you are not happy with the situation. All young adults should pay some money for their upkeep. You can use this money to create a savings account for your child and then use the savings to help your child move out. You can also use the money they contribute to buy your child a service instead of free rent. Some young adults need counseling to develop the confidence to leave home or to begin to see the benefit of leaving. Sometimes they need the services of a career counselor or a financial advisor to help them develop the skills of independent living. Having them be responsible for some of the cleaning and cooking tasks is another way to send the message that they need to be learning the skills of living as adults. Sometimes it helps to ask them (with compassion) if they are afraid for some reason to grow up?
Many young people may initially resist changes that ask more of them but over time they will notice an improvement in their feelings about themselves. It does not feel good to know that you are not developing your potential as a person but many young people do not realize how their feelings of well-being can be improved by becoming a more highly functioning person. Remind your child that he/she will feel better if they are moving ahead in life even if that means paying rent to you. In addition, be sure to look at yourself and your life. Is there some way that you may be lonely or trying to fill a void in your life by allowing your child to hang around the house? Do you need to develop more of a life? Remember that if you decide that you like your child’s presence, you can change to healthier patterns of living together in lieu of eviction but be sure that you are not keeping your child from growing up.

A Difficult Mother

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:46:49 +0000

What does it mean to have a difficult mother? All mothers go through difficult periods due to fatigue, stress and the demands of adult life and parenting. However a truly difficult mother is difficult all the time and presents a child with an unresolvable dilemma: you can either sacrifice yourself and have a relationship with me or be your true self and I will ridicule, disapprove of or reject you. The child’s dependency on the mother is then exploited and he/she will have difficulty trusting others and developing close relationships in adulthood. Some of the characterisitics of a difficult mother include erratic and intense outbursts of anger, rigid and inflelxible expectations of her child or chronic neediness and unhappiness. The child grows up to be the caretaker or the parent of the mother and even in adulthood can have great difficulty resisting a mother’s manipulations and control. Often a grown child will beg mom to please “accept me as I am and stop needing, controlling or being angry with me.” Truly learning that your mother is no longer in charge of you can be hard , even when you know in your head that it is true. Learning that others will not treat you as she did is also hard. Challenge the voices in you that predict everyone will treat you similarly and you will always have to placate others. Be sure that you are not drawn to relationships that feel like a repeat of your childhoood as there are other ways to be with people than the ways of your original family. If you have difficulty with these issues, ask for help if you need it.

Helping Teens Through The Downturn

Dr. Mary Gresham — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 22:08:01 +0000

This is a particularly difficult time for teens whose families have been hit hard with the economic changes. Why especially hard for teens? This is a time when teens want to break away from their families more and turn to the peer group. Yet if the family is in crisis, it becomes very hard to break away just when everyone needs to pull together. So the changes work against the developmental task of the teen years. It is also possible that being with the peer group would involve money that is no longer available .To go out to eat or on field trips or other youth activities requires money that the other kids may still have and your teen will be left out. Sometimes families have to relocate and the teen loses the peer group that is so important and finds it hard to break into a new one. And of course, teens are often materialistic and group status may depend on wearing certain clothes, shoes, etc. In addition many teens are aware that plans for college may have to change and this can be upsetting especially if older siblings have not had to deal with this stress.

The Iowa Youth and Family Study project was started during the period when many families were not able to keep the family farm ( late 80′s) and had to weather a serious economic downturn. 500 7th grade students were followed over a period of 20 years, making this one of the most comprehensive studies of family life done. What do you imagine caused these teens the most trouble? The emotional distress of their parents!!! They were able to adapt to the changes in circumstance but if the parents were irritable, depressed , withdrawn, fighting with each other, etc. , these teens did worse than the teens whose families pulled together and weathered the changes with greater acceptance and calmness.

See also the current February issue of Money magazine for an interview with me that talks further about helping teens through this time.

Helping Your Child During Tough Economic Times

Dr. Mary Gresham — Tue, 06 May 2008 19:11:10 +0000

If you are one of the many Americans currently facing a downward turn in your lifestyle, you may be concerned about the impact on your children. Whether the changes are due to the high costs of living, a job or business loss or an unsustainable mortgage, your life and therefore your children’s lives will be changing. Recent research in the field of behavioral economics tells us that losses are twice as painful as gains are pleasurable. Learning how to cope with loss is a major life skill and challenge and your children will be watching to see how you handle it. This is how they will learn to confront losses in their lives since they will be modeling after you if they are 6 or older.
It is important to make room for the initial feelings of loss especially sadness and disappointment. If your child has to give up a summer camp or activity or a home and room that they loved, they can be encouraged to be sad along with you. It is important to move on from this initial response into a period of coping and resilience. This is the most important thing that you can give them, an example of facing and weathering the challenges of life with courage and integrity. How do you show this? By talking in the family about things that we can do together to get through this. Children age 6 and up want to contribute to the family as well and will develop a sense of being a valued member of the family if they are allowed to help. How can they help? The can contribute by being willing to go on a picnic instead of out to eat; by paying attention to reducing the use of heat, AC and power if utility bills are high or by helping with a moving or garage sale. There are many ways they can be included in the changes of the family.

One of the benefits of being allowed to help is to develop a greater sense of control over family problems, instead of feeling helpless. When they are told there is nothing they or anyone can do, they get a message of helplessness. Perhaps the problem is the loss of your home. In that case they can help by packing their things and being willing to make new friends in the new place. This gives the child a place to focus instead of just acting up over the changes and creates the beginning of a feeling of efficacy in the face of stress.