Dr. Mary Gresham » Depression

The Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Dr. Mary Gresham — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:17:28 +0000

Whenever a successful man takes his own life, it comes as a shock to all who saw him as a success. Men who are deemed to be accomplished in life are seen as having it all. There is little room left for that man to have feelings that don’t fit the outward picture. Far too many men are suppressing feelings and needs that are simply human. It is easy for an accomplished man to feel as though he exists primarily to care for others and to deny as long as possible that he himself is in trouble emotionally.
Research on socialization of emotions, much of it done at Emory University, shows that little boys are generally steered to one feeling, the feeling of anger. When they tell a story to their parents, the parents often interpret the story of being upset to mean that the boy was angry. Meanwhile little girls are steered away from anger and towards sadness. No wonder the rates of depression are higher in women and the rates of addiction and outbursts are higher in men. This happens in educated well-meaning families without their awareness of directing their children by gender to interpret feelings in a certain way.
Traditionally men are also socialized to deny negative feelings in the presence of other men, where the typical interaction is one of teasing, humor and superficial talk about business or sports.This means that a man must have a supportive female partner who is interested in his feelings and is willing to work to try to draw him out. Men who do not have partners tend to have higher rates of depression as well, since they have little outlet to share their emotions. And many times men become depressed and don’t really know what is wrong..just that they are having trouble sleeping, are drinking too much or are escaping into television.
On the positive side, I see that younger men ( in Gen X and Y) do seem to have more access to their inner worlds and are more open than men brought up in the 50′s and 60′s. Younger men seem to be more accepting of treatment and seek out therapy on their own, not brought in by a female partner or a relationship loss as is more common with older more traditional men. Just as women now have more permission to direct their lives into either career success or motherhood or both, men eventually will have more permission to be authentic instead of feeling that they must measure their lives by how well they provided for others or by the image they projected. Books by Terence Real and David Wexler can help the process along, as can therapy. Being depressed means that something is not working in your life and is not a shameful or unacceptable situation. Seeking treatment is a healthy action that takes courage, not a sign of weakness.

Rebuilding your life

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:40:43 +0000

There comes a time for each of us when we face the task of rebuilding an adult life from the ground up. It may be that losses are occurring in proximity to each other. Job loss, loss of a significant other, death of a family member, the emptying of the nest, or a change in economic circumstances are some the loss experiences that create the impetus to rebuild our lives. There are also many wonderful life experiences where we have to start over: a new job in a new city, graduating from school, leaving military service,retiring from a long term job and changing marital or parental status. It is hard to remember when we are feeling settled and comfortable that this state is temporary and at some point will come to an end. When the old life falls apart, it is easy to feel lost, alone and confused. The trite saying, “The only way out is through” is particularly true for these relaunching of ourselves.
Along with the stress of trying to make decisions and rebuild our worlds, there is also an opportunity to redefine ourselves and pursue other options that we may not have considered in the past. All of us also have unlived potentials inside of us that we can draw on to re-invent our new worlds.
The re-building task will confront us at a number of times in our adult lives and is part of the nature of how we live in the modern world. These transitions are distressing, challenging, and rewarding times in our lives and we need all the support we can get to keep depression and anxiety from overwhelming us. When you find yourself at this place in your life, don’t be afraid to ask others for help. By the time most of us have reached the age of 40, we have all hit some hard times and had to face disappointing re-definitions of what we thought our lives would become. This is a good time to turn to foundations of what has sustained us in past times: friendships, support groups, knowledge-seeking,time spent in natural settings,creative endeavors, religious beliefs, and a willingness to ask for help will help you stay the course until your new life has taken hold.

Families with problem mothers

Dr. Mary Gresham — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:33:08 +0000

There is often denial in families about the emotional troubles of others in the family. This is particularly true when a mother is emotionally unstable and family members look the other way instead of stepping in and dealing with the issue. The problem with this kind of denial is that children are affected by a mother’s mood swings, alcohol use, rage, verbal put downs or neediness. The same woman that no one in the family can deal with is left in charge of the children.

Often fathers have no idea what to do and avoid the situation by withdrawing and resigning themselves to a wife’s mental difficulties. Fathers are the adults who have the most impact and power to change the situation but many are afraid to rock the boat for fear of angry outbursts. Extended family members could also step in and insist that a mother get some help or could at least be willing to talk to the children about mom’s problems and let them know that it is not their fault. Many times daughters are left to try to care for and help their mothers with mental issues. We call this kind of child the “parentified” child since they are attempting to fill the role that a parent should undertake.

Families do not have to remain helpless in the face of a mother’s refusal to seek treatment. There are a number of people who now specialize in doing interventions with emotionally unstable family members and even if it may be an upsetting experience, the problem now has a name and the children will know that someone cared about what happens to them. When the problem is brought out into the open and made clear, the children no longer have to wonder if they are bad and somehow caused it. If you cannot tolerate your family member’s emotional outbursts, imagine how her children might feel. It takes courage to bring out these types of problems and there can be some difficult fallout but the alternative is to continue to whisper and dance around the issue without really confronting it.

Helping young adults who are underfunctioning

Dr. Mary Gresham — Sun, 02 May 2010 19:26:40 +0000

Is there such a thing as a slacker young adult? Yes there is and they may be part of your own family or even living with you. I have recently been asked by 2 mothers who have children in their 20s living at home, how to help launch these grown children. First of all, not every child who lives in a multi-generational household is a slacker. Some are busy as students or full-time employees and it may be that these young adults are living at home to save money for something important or avoid student debt. In these cases, the children pay some of the living expenses of the house and do chores in the home to acknowledge that they are not guests but family members who have to contribute to the household. They are living in the home as adults and are able to negotiate and have some say over communal issues that arise in every household (i.e. how long can dishes go unwashed in this house?).
The young adult I am referring to as under-functioning is not in a healthy situation like the above but is living off his/her family. This child may be working part-time and having a perpetual summer, sleeping late and primarily interested in hanging out with friends. There is not a sense of moving forward in this young person’s life but more of a sense of being stuck. If you are the parent of such a child, you may be distressed but you keep allowing yourself to be persuaded by your child’s compelling arguments to keep things the way they are. If you take a step back and look at the situation you might begin to see how this is doing your child a true disservice. If your child has no inner drive to leave, you will need to become the motivating force if you are not happy with the situation. All young adults should pay some money for their upkeep. You can use this money to create a savings account for your child and then use the savings to help your child move out. You can also use the money they contribute to buy your child a service instead of free rent. Some young adults need counseling to develop the confidence to leave home or to begin to see the benefit of leaving. Sometimes they need the services of a career counselor or a financial advisor to help them develop the skills of independent living. Having them be responsible for some of the cleaning and cooking tasks is another way to send the message that they need to be learning the skills of living as adults. Sometimes it helps to ask them (with compassion) if they are afraid for some reason to grow up?
Many young people may initially resist changes that ask more of them but over time they will notice an improvement in their feelings about themselves. It does not feel good to know that you are not developing your potential as a person but many young people do not realize how their feelings of well-being can be improved by becoming a more highly functioning person. Remind your child that he/she will feel better if they are moving ahead in life even if that means paying rent to you. In addition, be sure to look at yourself and your life. Is there some way that you may be lonely or trying to fill a void in your life by allowing your child to hang around the house? Do you need to develop more of a life? Remember that if you decide that you like your child’s presence, you can change to healthier patterns of living together in lieu of eviction but be sure that you are not keeping your child from growing up.