Dr. Mary Gresham » Careers and Business http://doctorgresham.com Atlanta Psychologist, Atlanta Counselor, Atlanta Life Coach, Marriage Counselor, Pre-Marital Counseling Thu, 17 May 2012 17:35:06 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 Therapy in your 20′s and 30′s http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/06/therapy-in-your-20s-and-30s/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/06/therapy-in-your-20s-and-30s/#comments Mon, 07 May 2012 01:39:20 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=387 One of the most important times in your life to seek therapy is in your 20′s and 30′s.This is the time that you are making those life decisions that will impact the course of your future. Here are just some of the questions that you are busy answering:
Should I get married and to whom?
Do I want children?
What should I do for work and an income?
Where should I live?
Why is my marriage such hard work? Is this the way it is supposed to be?
How close do I want to be to my parents?How much should I stand up to them?

As you can see, these are the questions without easy answers.They will define your life for decades. And for many of us, the answers may be that part of me wants to do X while the other part of me wants to do Y. It can lead to a war within the self. Looking at the what you did in the past that lead to a good decision can help. This period of life is more about developing a process to use to make good decisions than about each particular decision. If you are torn inside or cannot develop a good decision-making process, this is a time in life to consider therapy.

]]> http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/06/therapy-in-your-20s-and-30s/feed/ 0 The Secret Legacy of Male Depression http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/02/the-secret-legacy-of-male-depression/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/02/the-secret-legacy-of-male-depression/#comments Thu, 03 May 2012 01:17:28 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=347 Whenever a successful man takes his own life, it comes as a shock to all who saw him as a success. Men who are deemed to be accomplished in life are seen as having it all. There is little room left for that man to have feelings that don’t fit the outward picture. Far too many men are suppressing feelings and needs that are simply human. It is easy for an accomplished man to feel as though he exists primarily to care for others and to deny as long as possible that he himself is in trouble emotionally.
Research on socialization of emotions, much of it done at Emory University, shows that little boys are generally steered to one feeling, the feeling of anger. When they tell a story to their parents, the parents often interpret the story of being upset to mean that the boy was angry. Meanwhile little girls are steered away from anger and towards sadness. No wonder the rates of depression are higher in women and the rates of addiction and outbursts are higher in men. This happens in educated well-meaning families without their awareness of directing their children by gender to interpret feelings in a certain way.
Traditionally men are also socialized to deny negative feelings in the presence of other men, where the typical interaction is one of teasing, humor and superficial talk about business or sports.This means that a man must have a supportive female partner who is interested in his feelings and is willing to work to try to draw him out. Men who do not have partners tend to have higher rates of depression as well, since they have little outlet to share their emotions. And many times men become depressed and don’t really know what is wrong..just that they are having trouble sleeping, are drinking too much or are escaping into television.
On the positive side, I see that younger men ( in Gen X and Y) do seem to have more access to their inner worlds and are more open than men brought up in the 50′s and 60′s. Younger men seem to be more accepting of treatment and seek out therapy on their own, not brought in by a female partner or a relationship loss as is more common with older more traditional men. Just as women now have more permission to direct their lives into either career success or motherhood or both, men eventually will have more permission to be authentic instead of feeling that they must measure their lives by how well they provided for others or by the image they projected. Books by Terence Real and David Wexler can help the process along, as can therapy. Being depressed means that something is not working in your life and is not a shameful or unacceptable situation. Seeking treatment is a healthy action that takes courage, not a sign of weakness.

]]> http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2012/05/02/the-secret-legacy-of-male-depression/feed/ 0 The Betrayal of Trust http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2010/10/14/the-betrayal-of-trust/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2010/10/14/the-betrayal-of-trust/#comments Thu, 14 Oct 2010 14:28:48 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=250 One of the most painful experiences that we endure as humans is the experience of feeling as though our trust has been betrayed. The trust that is broken can be with another person, a relationship, a workplace or your an institution.
A break in trust first causes us to doubt our own abilities and perceptions. If we trusted and it did not work out, then what is wrong with our own ability to see reality and size up situations? How can we trust ourselves or another again? We go through a period of doubt and questioning that can be quite profound. Emotional responses can run the gamut of anger, panic, grief, hurt and shock. Our responses depend on many things:

- how important that relationship is to us
-whether we felt there was malicious intent behind the action
-if we have experienced other significant betrayals in our lives
-how much we self-attack and berate ourselves instead of taking this as a learning experience.

Many times we need to decide whether to try to repair this break or to cut our losses and leave. Much of this decision depends on our perception of the depth of the betrayal and the intention of the other. Sometimes when processed, the betrayal can be seen as a miscommunication in expectations. Other times it will be viewed as deeper than that. The attitude of the party who let you down is very significant as well. Does the other seem to acknowledge the problem or just become defensive? Do they take ownership and responsibility for their actions? Do they care how you feel? If you want to repair a break in trust you may wish to ask for the following actions of the other:

-take responsibility for their part in the trouble
-understand your feelings
-change course and maintain it over time
-issue a genuine apology and exhibit remorse.

Betrayal of trust is often a topic in my work. If you are concerned about this issue, please feel free to contact me at
mg@doctorgresham.com

]]> http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2010/10/14/the-betrayal-of-trust/feed/ 0 Women Entrepreneurs http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/women-entrepreneurs/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/women-entrepreneurs/#comments Mon, 14 May 2007 19:37:35 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=83 The number of women owned businesses continues to increase. The Small Business Association estimates that women-owned businesses account for 28 percent of private businesses. While women are gaining in ownership numbers, the revenues they produce account for only 18% of the small business revenues….a big drop from the ownership numbers. In fact it looks as though in the most typical business for women is a sole proprietership in a service business with income of less than 50,000. Many of these women are married and running and running their businesses from home. More than half of the start-ups are by women but since the ownership is holding at a third, we can also see that a number of these businesses do not last.

What does the research tell us about how to make sure your business is one of the successful ones? Dr. Edward Hess who is the Goizueta School of Business’ Adjunct Professor in Entrepreneurship recently presented the results of his 30 years review of the research to a group of us,women alums from Emory. The news is both good and bad. He finds that there is no correlation to personality,age, IQ, education and numerous other variables for successful business owners. Rather he finds that there are several processes that are essential: being good at “iterative” processing and taking a series of small risks. The iterative process is one that develops through trial and error and is constantly being refined over time. It is not rigid and final but is constantly taking in new information and responding to that. The small risks are a more cautious outlook;risks that don’t bet everything on one outcome and can afford to fail without a wipeout. This may go against the typical stereotype of the wheeler dealer but it is a finding that should encourage women as we are especially strong with this kind of process.

The disadvantage of being a women relates to the existence of the “boys” network and the facility with which men are able to give each other a boost along the way and create a network of people who owe each other favors. Hopefully as we women get better and better at network creation and have more resources with which to help each other this will begin to shift. In the meantime, there are many men who are interested in mentoring women and who are helpful to us and the trick is to find one who takes an interest in your project. Also as you move forward in your success, make a committment to help the other women who are coming behind you.

]]> http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/women-entrepreneurs/feed/ 0 Underearning http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/underearning/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/underearning/#comments Mon, 14 May 2007 19:36:38 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=81 Underearning is a particularly insidious difficulty for women. As I began my journey with money I wanted to teach women because I felt especially proud of building my business, living within my income and learning to invest. Little did I realize until I began to read the literature that I was an underearner. Over the years I had often been soft on setting my fees, billing for missed appointments and late cancellations. I just really did not like the face to face discussions and possible confrontations over money issues.Not until I joined a group of other professionals did I make a serious committment to addressing these issues and they were not easy. One thing that spurred me on was the ability of the men in the group to handle these issues without discomfort and beginning to see the gender variables involved.

Why do women underearn? For many complicated reasons, including caretaking responsibilities and role divisions in the family. However a primary reason is because we are hesitant to ask for the money, afraid to go against the taboos of money talk and making others (as well as ourselves) uncomfortable. I began to realize that for a woman who thought she was money wise I had a long way to go….and then I realized that my southern female training was so entrenched I could be working on this for the rest of my life. I now strive to be matter of fact in my business dealings and to talk openly about the money issues and the feelings they engender. When we do this, there is an increase in the amount of knowledge we have about each other , a new level of understanding and comfort that is reached, knowing that we can talk well about this difficult topic.

]]> http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/underearning/feed/ 0 Using the Internet to Get Out of Debt http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/using-the-internet-to-get-out-of-debt/ http://doctorgresham.com/blog/2007/05/14/using-the-internet-to-get-out-of-debt/#comments Mon, 14 May 2007 19:34:21 +0000 Dr. Mary Gresham http://doctorgresham.com/?p=79 I have noticed a huge increase in the number of Gen X and Y bloggers who are blogging to get out of debt. Here are just a few of the sites I have visited in the past week:

www.lazymandmoney.com
www.mymint.com
www.stopbuyingcrap.com
www.poorerthanyou.com
www.bostongalsopenwallet.com
www.bloggingawaydebt.com

The last one also connects you to ncnnetwork.com where you can set up a chart to show and tell your progress as you pay down your debts. It’s great that the internet is being used for this kind of sharing and accountability. It increases your motivation as you imagine your “public” watching you pull yourself into the black and feeling that you will let them down if you don’t succeed. It’s also inspiring to see others do it and report back how great it feels to be free of debt. “If they can do it, I can do it” is a thought that can carry you through the challenge of changing.
Use the internet to help you become free of consumer debt that will hold you back later in life.

I particularly want to help women in the 20′s and 30′s become free of consumer debt and to think carefully about the amount of student loan debt they take on. Many students and young adults are taking on more debt than their future career can sustain. I would like to continue to find ways to get women to address money issues in a motivating and fun way.

Please contact me a mg@doctorgresham.com to have me come to speak to your group about the mind and money issues related to this kind of debt.

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