On being single :the paradox

We have just passed Valentine’s Day, a hard time for many single people because the world seems to be coupled. My single patients tend to have difficulties and distress at this time of year, feeling shame that they are still single. Most of them express that they feel no one has ever chosen them (never married singles) and have no validation of their lovability that they can show to others. Many feel discouraged with the quest to find a partner in love. Other patients (divorced/widowed) feel a lot of sadness that their primary relationship is gone but do not seem to have as much difficulty with the lack of validation.
Being single is a challenge in this culture where it is socially inappropriate to talk about loneliness and longing. Friends kind- heartedly try to soothe with words like “when you least expect it, it will happen” but singles experience these remarks as empty reassurance. Still other friends come up with advice, dating strategies and stories of friends who found someone but these comments are generally upsetting to a single person who is struggling to accept himself/herself as being alone.
It is so easy to compare oneself to others and ask “what is wrong with me that I am still single?” This is not a useful line of self-interrogation. It makes more sense to ask “how have I maintained my single status over the years?”There are many answers to this question; each answer will be unique to the person who is asking. Some push people away without realizing it because their parents had a bad marriage or got divorced. Some make no effort to meet other singles, wanting it to happen naturally without extending energy. There are plenty of staying-single behaviors that are not obvious to the person who says he/she wants a relationship.
It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and to show someone that you like them. The best stance is to keep looking for the special one and staying open while at the same time being happy with your life. This is easier to describe than to do but it means keeping the joy of life while at the same time seeking to change your life. That is where the paradox comes in. People you meet will be able to sense if you are desperate and you hate your life and that will be a turn off for them. They will also be able to tell whether you have a protective wall up and don’t want to risk letting anyone in and will move on. Wanting something and being okay with whether or not you are able to obtain it will keep you open while reducing your suffering about not having something that you want in life.